The story of Nathan's birth

Ok, I thought it would bore even the most interested, but some people have requested to hear the story of the day Nathan was born. It actually started the night before. We (Eric and I) had been to the Gunderson farm for a birthday party for David. I think he was turning 13 or so. We stopped at Eric's apartment on the way back to my parent's farm (where I was living at the time) and that is where I lost "the plug" (I know, TMI). So, I had an idea something was going to happen. In the wee hours of the morning, I got up to use the bathroom, or so I thought. My water broke at the top of the stairs. I didn't know what to do, and I was afraid to move! (first-timer here!) It took a while for Mom to hear my pleas for help from the top of the stairs... when she did wake up, she told me to get dressed, and proceeded to scrub the living daylights out of the carpet at the top of the stairs (they were trying to sell the farm after all). At that point I called Eric. He came up in his little blue Ford Festiva to take me to VMH. I had to pose for a quick pic as Mom couldn't remember if she had a photo of me pregnant. I can't remember Dad getting up, but I'm sure he did. Probably leaned on the counter and delivered well-timed smart comments.Anyway. We were off to Viroqua when the sun was just starting to come up. If you know Eric, you know what a "cautious" driver he is. Not that morning. I never remember him driving so fast. We almost hit a deer before we even got to Hwy 61. I assured him that I would not give birth in the car if he would just drive safely and get me there in one piece! Checking in is a little fuzzy. I just remember being incredibly nervous! Dr. Starr was in town and able to come in. (Little side story here - he was my Mom's dr. when she had me. When she went into labor, Dr. Starr was @ a Badger game, so Dr. Oppert assisted in delivery. Being that Nathan was born on a Thursday, he was still in town). He told me it would be late afternoon or evening when I would deliver, and I kept saying it would be much sooner. Funny how a woman knows, even though I had never given birth before. He had the nurses do all the old-time prep on me (I won't go into details). Meanwhile, the entire Gunderson clan (with the exception of maybe John, someone will have to help me out here) were at the hospital, along with my Mom. I remember as things started to progress rather quickly, I only wanted Eric in the room. At some point he got pretty hungry and bought a Reeses Peanut Butter cup out of the vending machine. The smell was awful! I don't think I allowed him to finish it in the room! We had chosen a mix tape of Enya and the soundtrack from "Witness" for our labor music. I still love to listen to it today.  It was a cold day, and the first snowflakes of the year were starting to fall outside.
I did indeed prove Dr. Starr wrong, and started going into heavy labor mid-morning. They gave me a little something for the pain, as I remember almost falling asleep between contractions. At one point during pushing, Dr. Starr scolded me for yelling out. He said something to the effect that it wasn't going to help at all, and I should put that energy into pushing. Yes sir. So I did. Nathan Jodi Gunderson was born @ 10:42 am. "It's a boy child." he said, and I can't remember the look on Eric's face, but he must have been beaming. I remember telling the Dr. that I thought my pubic bone was going to break, and he said sometimes that does happen. Good to know. I remember thinking of my cousin Jodi often during labor, as she had just passed away the month before from a long struggle with cancer. It really put the pain of labor into perspective.
Apparently they took Nathan away immediately after delivery. I was trying to remember last night as I shared this story with Jeff. I don't actually remember when the first time I held him was. I am thinking it wasn't until I was in my room. I think at the time I didn't know what to expect, and I was just so glad it was over. Apparently his color wasn't good. I'm sure Eric, Rose, and my Mom know the exact details. I just remember being cold, hungry, and relieved. They put me in the same room that Mom recovered in when she delivered me! That fact seemed to scare my college friends, but no fear, they soon after remodeled the OB wing. I had Cornish Game hen for lunch and watched my brother on TV 13 Noon News, which I usually didn't get to do. I remember my Nathan was a little fuzzy head, and he just stared and stared at me. I also remember Phillip telling Eric, "You've got the world by a string now!" Other memories of the day included Eric going to get me a chocolate malt from DQ (I actually swore off chocolate during my pregnancy. How did I do that?!?!?) I remember Rodney, Linda, and Jennifer coming up in the evening, and bringing me diapers. Jen was starring in the NC production of "Annie" that weekend. My Dad was also able to come up that night - he had been filling silo that day. Chris recently told me the story of how he called her that day and said "Hello Aunt Chris." She didn't catch on until a minute or so into the conversation when he just came out and said "your sister had her baby today!"
My friends from school came up on our second night in the hospital. I was in my 4th year @ UW-Madison at the time of his birth. I did actually go to school that semester up until about the first of November, I think. I simply approached my professors the first day of class, told them that I was obviously pregnant, and due in November, and could we work something out with finishing the semester. All but one of the classes worked out fine. Being a pregnant college student garnered a fair share of stares, but maybe that was just me. Anyway, my friends all came up from Madison, and brought me some Dove chocolate, our favorite guilty pleasure. The nurse wouldn't let them come in for a while because we were having our steak dinner, so they went bowling with Jess, I think. We were very proud parents and were more than willing to show baby Nathan off.
We came home on Saturday evening, if I remember correctly. Chris and Brent came home with Brandon and Kayla. Kayla was only about 1 1/2 at the time, and hadn't started talking much yet. I remember he looking at me, the baby, and then my tummy a few times. Then she came up to me and looked between the buttons on my shirt like "how did they get that out of there?!?" Hard to think that she is in her 2nd year @ Iowa State now! This all does not seem like 18 years ago.
Nathan was a really good baby. I never knew how good I had it. I actually woke him up the first night home to feed him! I enjoyed every minute, and wish I could do it all over again. Miss you, Nate. You will be loved forever.

The Ugly Side of Grief

I first want to start out by saying I'm sorry if I offend anyone. The main reason I am doing this blog is as a way to work through my grief, and I'm finding out that sometime it ain't pretty. It now is surfacing as anger and bitterness, but not against the people you would think. I am not angry at Rachael, the driver of the car. In fact, I almost found myself defending her on the LaCrosse Tribune site to another reader. I, myself, feel just as much responsibility, since I gave them the car to drive that night. But that is a whole other issue. In the worst of my depression I find myself getting annoyed and angry at the wrong people. I shared with Jeff that even a Cub Scout poster at school was really getting on my nerves one week. When I was feeling better the next week, that really scared me. I don't want to be that person who is just seething underneath the surface, and can spew bitter remarks about the next person that walks by at the drop of a hat. I know people like that. They are not fun to be around, and can be toxic. I don't want to be an angry, bitter woman. So I'm trying to work through it. But, some of it may leak through onto this blog, so I am apologizing in advance if it does, and if I offend someone. That is why I am doing this separate from my Facebook account, so don't say I didn't warn you!

The strangest things can set me off. Yesterday I was having a pretty good day. Spent quality time with Griffin, which is always good. We had plans to do some Halloween kind of activities, good times. I'm not sure if it was talking things over with Eric when he came to pick up Griffin, or later when we went to Allyson's Tae Kwon Do test, and I was reminded that the view out that window was the same view I had out the window of the hospital room (one floor above) that I stayed in after having Nathan. About this time of year 18 years ago, btw. And I was also wearing a Team Nathan sweatshirt, which, as I was just discussing with my Mom last weekend, always comes with sympathetic looks. I seem to notice people "watching" me a little bit longer, and always get real nice smiles if I make eye contact. Maybe I am paranoid, but I pick and choose when I wear those shirts. If I want to feel really close to Nathan that day, I wear them. But if I do not feel like getting unwanted attention, I don't. I actually enjoyed wearing them in Ames last weekend, because I knew no one knew what they were about, and the looks I would get were more "what the heck is that" more than sympathy. Anyway, I do digress...

So sitting in the room watching the students go through their testing, my mood worsened. It wasn't the students, Nathan was not someone who would have done that kind of activity. But the time to sit and let my mind wander, I guess. Then some of the kids started to get on my nerves. Then some of the adults started to get on my nerves. It only gets worse from there. If Jeff, Allyson, Mary or Luke read this, no, none of you were getting on my nerves. I like you ;) I know when it is happening that it is silly, but once I get in a mood I can't help it. And now, when I realize where it is coming from, I start feeling even worse, and by the time I got home, I just let the real emotions of grief come. I feel better today, but kind of have a "grief hangover". Stayed in my pajamas waaay too long, and haven't really accomplished anything. But it is a day off, I don't have Griffin, so I guess I can get away with it! Then I remembered this blog, which I have never posted to. I had a therapist tell me once to "write, girl, write!", and when I am at my lowest, I try to remember to do just that. In this day and age, I guess I find it more natural to type it than to put pen to paper. (Plus, my the lousy way in which I hold a pen make my hand hurt when I write. I would have been an OT's nightmare if we actually had them @ school when we were young.) So I am writing, girl, writing. Don't know to whom, but I hope it puts the cap on my latest lousy mood. Which it seems to be doing. And thank God for a patient boyfriend, who has learned that these occasional, uncharcteristic moods I fall into lately, have nothing to do with him, even though he has to deal with me when I suddenly get real quiet so I don't say something that I will later regret. Thank you again, Jeffrey. I feel better now, and I need to go buy some Halloween cookie cutters for my boy.

Welcome to my blog.

I decided to create this blog as an option to write a little bit more than I feel comfortable doing on Facebook. Almost daily I get comments from those "lurkers" out there that read what I have on there, but never comment or post themselves. I will most likely use this as a forum for my grief, as I believe writing and sharing my experiences will help me heal. I have also started writing some poetry, and as I feel more comfortable sharing it, I hope to post that here also. We will see how this works... here we go!!!!