I first want to start out by saying I'm sorry if I offend anyone. The main reason I am doing this blog is as a way to work through my grief, and I'm finding out that sometime it ain't pretty. It now is surfacing as anger and bitterness, but not against the people you would think. I am not angry at Rachael, the driver of the car. In fact, I almost found myself defending her on the LaCrosse Tribune site to another reader. I, myself, feel just as much responsibility, since I gave them the car to drive that night. But that is a whole other issue. In the worst of my depression I find myself getting annoyed and angry at the wrong people. I shared with Jeff that even a Cub Scout poster at school was really getting on my nerves one week. When I was feeling better the next week, that really scared me. I don't want to be that person who is just seething underneath the surface, and can spew bitter remarks about the next person that walks by at the drop of a hat. I know people like that. They are not fun to be around, and can be toxic. I don't want to be an angry, bitter woman. So I'm trying to work through it. But, some of it may leak through onto this blog, so I am apologizing in advance if it does, and if I offend someone. That is why I am doing this separate from my Facebook account, so don't say I didn't warn you!
The strangest things can set me off. Yesterday I was having a pretty good day. Spent quality time with Griffin, which is always good. We had plans to do some Halloween kind of activities, good times. I'm not sure if it was talking things over with Eric when he came to pick up Griffin, or later when we went to Allyson's Tae Kwon Do test, and I was reminded that the view out that window was the same view I had out the window of the hospital room (one floor above) that I stayed in after having Nathan. About this time of year 18 years ago, btw. And I was also wearing a Team Nathan sweatshirt, which, as I was just discussing with my Mom last weekend, always comes with sympathetic looks. I seem to notice people "watching" me a little bit longer, and always get real nice smiles if I make eye contact. Maybe I am paranoid, but I pick and choose when I wear those shirts. If I want to feel really close to Nathan that day, I wear them. But if I do not feel like getting unwanted attention, I don't. I actually enjoyed wearing them in Ames last weekend, because I knew no one knew what they were about, and the looks I would get were more "what the heck is that" more than sympathy. Anyway, I do digress...
So sitting in the room watching the students go through their testing, my mood worsened. It wasn't the students, Nathan was not someone who would have done that kind of activity. But the time to sit and let my mind wander, I guess. Then some of the kids started to get on my nerves. Then some of the adults started to get on my nerves. It only gets worse from there. If Jeff, Allyson, Mary or Luke read this, no, none of you were getting on my nerves. I like you ;) I know when it is happening that it is silly, but once I get in a mood I can't help it. And now, when I realize where it is coming from, I start feeling even worse, and by the time I got home, I just let the real emotions of grief come. I feel better today, but kind of have a "grief hangover". Stayed in my pajamas waaay too long, and haven't really accomplished anything. But it is a day off, I don't have Griffin, so I guess I can get away with it! Then I remembered this blog, which I have never posted to. I had a therapist tell me once to "write, girl, write!", and when I am at my lowest, I try to remember to do just that. In this day and age, I guess I find it more natural to type it than to put pen to paper. (Plus, my the lousy way in which I hold a pen make my hand hurt when I write. I would have been an OT's nightmare if we actually had them @ school when we were young.) So I am writing, girl, writing. Don't know to whom, but I hope it puts the cap on my latest lousy mood. Which it seems to be doing. And thank God for a patient boyfriend, who has learned that these occasional, uncharcteristic moods I fall into lately, have nothing to do with him, even though he has to deal with me when I suddenly get real quiet so I don't say something that I will later regret. Thank you again, Jeffrey. I feel better now, and I need to go buy some Halloween cookie cutters for my boy.
